Round Three

It’s Thursday of week three after chemo, and this time I’ve been tired longer. Still am. Yesterday’s check up with the oncologist told me why ~ low white blood cell count. Maybe too low for the next treatment which was scheduled for Monday. He tentatively postponed it to Tuesday, and I have to get blood work done again tomorrow. When they get the results back (either Friday afternoon or Monday morning), then he’ll decide whether I can go ahead with treatment #4, or if we have to postpone it until the following week.

Unlike red blood cells, which I think can be increased by eating iron-rich foods, there is nothing I can do to increase the white blood cells. No diet change, no getting more rest, nothing. My oncologist did talk again about drinking plenty of fluids to help flush the chemo back out of my system, so in my mind there’s a connection. I’ve been drinking the requisite 64 ounces of water a day, but will increase that. If the reason the white blood cells are low is because of accumulating “poison” (the chemo), then maybe if I drink more water and work more at flushing it out of my system, maybe ~ just maybe ~ it will reduce that accumulation.

He also mentioned daily shots that would help my bone marrow produce more white blood cells. That doesn’t sound like fun, but a couple friends who have had cancer in the past told me they had to get the shots and that they work ~ they have more energy and feel better. That would be good, but…. more shots? I’m not a fan. Still, if it means we can stay on schedule with the chemotherapy, I’m okay with it because that means it will be done sooner.

In the words of one friend, I am pressing on! One thing at a time, one day at a time. And taking care of myself. Now, everyone cross your fingers that drinking more water helps!

Round One

It’s going well! It went well…. Today is the last day of Round One, tomorrow begins Round Two.

For me, the chemo treatment lasted 6.5 hours, including two hours at the beginning waiting for them to mix the poison (the chemo drugs). They don’t mix the medicine until the patient arrives at the center, in case he or she is late or doesn’t show up after all. So, 6.5 hours later and I’m a loopy giddy girl ~ it’s imperative that someone drives me there and back!

The rest of week one, I’m mostly asleep because the anti-nausea medicines, which work great!, also make me sleepy. And I have no taste buds then, either, and no appetite. I just set the alarm for the schedule to take the meds, wake up to take them, get up and force down some small snack even if it’s just a yogurt, because not eating at all for a week is not helpful to my recovery. The nurses insisted, “this is no time to diet or worry about proper nutrition.” They told me, even if all I want is ice cream, eat it because during this time of no appetite and no taste buds, they know nothing sounds good! And so, anything at all is better than nothing at all. So, a small snack, then I go back to the couch to sleep some more.

Week two, I’m kind of listless but over the course of that week I can tell I’m getting energy and appetite ~ if not taste buds ~ back. Things are returning to normal, although it happens slowly. I still take it easy but I’m not sleeping all the time. I get outside, and can take care of easy errands or to make food runs. I noticed in week two that I craved more protein, so a cheeseburger and milkshake, hooray! My energy level is unpredictable though, so I don’t make plans.

Week three, I’m back to normal. I feel good, my energy and appetite are back to normal. During this week, I met with friends for movies and lunches or dinners, ran errands, did enough grocery shopping to get me through the 7-10 days of the coming week (which is week one again) when I’ll have little or no energy or appetite. Lots of running around, talking to people, getting out, cooking and cleaning and getting ready for the next round.

By Friday I was getting tired, though ~ I may have over-extended a bit. Next time maybe I’ll do less, but no promises. Relative to the preceding two weeks, I have so much energy and desire to get out there, it’s hard to pace myself.

As for other side effects I’d read about, I have been fortunate so far that I haven’t had any except for drier skin. Switching to some fragrance-free but very nice shower gels & lotions & cremes has taken care of that, and my skin feels more pampered than normal. I did shave my head to avoid hair falling out in clumps, and got a wig. I decided that, after all, I’m not brave enough to go bald out in public, or even just wear a ball cap. I don’t want to draw attention to myself when I’m out there. Thankfully, the wig looks natural on me ~ I got a good one! It’s not long and blond and curly, but short, brown, and straight. The color is (in fact) very close to my natural color, so it’s good. And the cut is good. The odd thing is, so far, my own hair hasn’t fallen out but, instead, is growing back in! I hope that shaving wasn’t for nothing…. but the doctor did say mine would fall out faster because it was long (nearly to my waist) and heavy. But I shaved it off, it’s not long and heavy anymore, so there is growth. So I don’t know…. will that growth fall out? We’ll see.

But that’s it for Round One. It’s been easy for me, and I can only hope Rounds 2-6 will be as easy. I’ve heard for some people it can be worse as it goes along, and for others it gets easier. There’s no way to know. My oncologist told me just this past Friday at my check-up that how it goes for the first round is a generally how it will be throughout. I hope he’s right!

Going chemo-bald

I do not want to hide, but I’m nervous. Chemo starts Monday; I’m avoiding the hair loss trauma by going ahead and having my head shaved on Saturday. I think losing my hair in clumps, rather than when I choose… that would be worse.

But I’m nervous about it, too, going out in public after the deed is done. This feeling I’m anticipating reminds me of being in Japan. People notice and sometimes stare at me there because I’m different. I did the same with other foreigners if I wasn’t expecting to see them; it can’t be helped. And now I’m going to be different, here.

Maybe it’s the same feeling I had every time we moved, and I started at a new school. I hated that first day when everyone gawks. They size you up and decide immediately whether they will talk to you or not. In my case, I think my fear was palpable, and the kids all decided not to talk me that first day because of it. Only that last time, when I was sixteen and we moved to New Jersey…. I decided no one knew I wasn’t outgoing, so I could pretend to be confident and happy. So I acted, and my first day at that new school was magical. I had a group of friends at the end of the day that lasted well beyond high school.

I discovered that secret to bravery at sixteen, then learned to perfect the discovery in Japan. Every single day, walking outside and meeting the eyes of strangers who looked and stared and watched; every day it held the potential to unnerve me. I was very aware of their eyes on me. Only when I wore sunglasses did they not stare. Hmm, I could run that experiment here, too.

I put on a brave face, but I cannot honestly say it ever stopped bothering me. That’s the lesson, also the title of a great book ~ feel the fear and do it anyway. I never stopped being nervous about leaving the comfort of my home or my friends (Japanese or otherwise, didn’t matter because we were friends and the staring didn’t happen). Some days I really hated the double takes and looks of surprise at seeing a foreigner. Why did it happen so often? I wasn’t in Tokyo, but I didn’t live in a small, isolated village, either. Some days I was even angry about those looks, but they didn’t stop me. I just went on about my business, did what I wanted to do. I felt the fear, felt the nerves, the anxiety, whatever… and did it anyway.

I can do that now. I don’t want to hide, but I’m nervous. And it’s okay to be nervous, but it doesn’t have to stop me. I can pretend to be brave, or that I don’t care. Better, I can pretend that I chose this new look, which I did, after all. Not the cancer, of course, but the bald. I don’t want wigs and scarves and turbans. I can pretend I don’t think about it after I’m done “coiffing” in the mirror with a bit of mascara, fabulous earrings…. I discovered I could do it when I was sixteen, and I haven’t forgotten. All those years practicing in Japan… I can do it now.

New Year’s Eve Musings

No matter how strong my wish to exercise more, be more productive, pursue my dreams, waste less time, and BE the vibrant and interesting person who lives in my head…. (not schizophrenic here, just noting the discrepancy between who I am and who I like to think I am) ~ no matter how strong this wish is, the fact remains that more often than not, I simply forget.  I’m much better at being lazy and procrastinating. Path of least resistance, entropy always wins, stuff like that. Maybe this is why we have New Year’s resolutions, giving us a chance to think that, this time, we WILL meet those old goals. Just for a moment we get to imagine ourselves the way we want to be.

Looking back over this year, I’ve put on a brave face many times. Even people I look up to have commended me for my courage. Yet here’s the confession: more often than not, I think I’m really just trying to convince myself. The fact is, this has been the Year from Hell and I am worried. At the same time, I feel hope.

2009 is the Year of the Cow, “my” year. In Japan, they say that “your” year is an auspicious one. The last two years of the Cow, I was in Japan, and they were indeed good years. This time I will be here, but I have hope that things will finally, truly, turn around for me and become good again.

Maybe the key to living authentically and being happy, regardless of financial circumstances or age or productivity or health ~ perhaps the key is hope. Believing in hope, having faith. Not wishful thinking, which lingers around the surface, like how we look or what we have. But true hope, which goes deeper to who we are, life itself. This reminds me of a book I read many years ago: Erich Fromm’s To Have or To Be. I should check that book out of the library and read it again as I look ahead to 2009.

Insomniac Blues

Oooooooy! What’s with waking up, laying there a loooooong time, finally looking at the clock and seeing it’s 4:30 a.m. (meaning, I’ve probably been awake already since about 3:30), giving in and getting up? This has happened nearly every night for the last week. I think.

It’s crazy!

It’s got me singing the blues.

I know, I know. I complained loudly at the 8-5 job where I had to get up around 6:30 or 7:00 Monday through Friday. Maybe I didn’t complain here, but I DID complain. Believe it! And some nights I couldn’t sleep, which made the getting up even more difficult (because sleep would finally come right about the time I needed to be getting up. Tell me that wasn’t fun….)

However, there was a rhythm to my days that I’m still sorting out with this new work schedule. It’s been a month, you’d think I’d have it down by now. But apparently I don’t. So here I am at 4:51 a.m., singing the insomniac blues.

Making Money

Yea and hooray ~ I’m beginning to make money again. The job-job, of course, gives me a paycheck. And the freelance work and projects are finally beginning to come through for me. Writing blogs and articles is beginning to bring me some regular monthly income, and my other projects ~ knitting and writing ~ are also showing signs of success.

Today I sold two hand-knit baby blankets of my own design. Since April I’ve made 16 blankets; Of those, I sold four and gave one away to a friend who had a sweet little bubbly in August. Today I took the remaining eleven blankets to show to friends who’d asked to see them before I take them to a craft fair on Friday. And to my surprise, two blankets were sold on the spot! And I got a request for a third in another color. So of course I’m getting right to work on that one (each blanket takes about two weeks to make).

Friday, I hope, is a good money-maker day. I’ll be at a craft fair where I hope to sell the remaining nine blankets, and where I was invited (yes, invited!) to sell and sign my book, Fish Tree Tales: Stories from Japan. I’ve got 58 books with me to sell. I hope it’s enough although… I’d be pretty happy if it isn’t, either. That just means more sales through the website, maybe, or through a second book signing I hope to have early next month at a local independent bookseller here in town. So all spring and summer I’ve been freelance working on three fronts, and I’m finally beginning to see results.

Speaking of my book, so many people have asked me how I published it, wondering how they could do it, too. Phil Weslow of Feedback Secrets interviewed me about my book and the publishing process. You can read the full interview, entitled A Self-Publishing Dream Come True, here. Many, many thanks to Phil.

New Job, New Hours, New Lifestyle

Today I passed the self-paced, computer-based training for my new job at the post office remote encoding center. Not a particularly interesting job (they even make fun of it, and encourage lots of caffeine!), but it’s also not particularly difficult. Accuracy is king and speed is important, but once you’ve gotten into the rhythm of things, it’s just sitting there doing data entry.

A snoozer, I know, but the money is better than I’ve earned for nearly 18 months, and I signed up for the evening/night shift so I get even more. And since Christmas is coming, that also means a bunch of mandatory overtime (yeah, working into the wee hours of the morning) which will give my income a nice boost, as well. I’m looking forward to that!

It’s going to be an adjustment, but I’m really a night person so I’m pleased with the schedule. I LOVE getting up in the mornings at a leisurely pace ~ which, let’s face it, doesn’t happen when I’m getting up to go to work. I NEVER get up in the morning one moment sooner than I absolutely have to. That means, I’m constantly hitting the snooze, then rushing around, racing against time. I would be happy to never have to do that on a regular basis again.

So yeah, there’s an adjustment I get to start trying out as early as … tomorrow! The training finished, the work begins. But I’m happy ~ soon, I’ll have money.

Spending Freeze

The time has come. It’s time to put a complete stop on spending (personal spending). The basics ~ rent, food, utilities, sure. Everything else, gotta’ stop. I feel there’s no choice anymore, the funds simply are dwindling down to nothing very quickly now and there’s nothing else available to stretch what I have.

Okay, while that is true, there is also good news: I got a job that starts next week, so there will soon be money coming in. But even so, all savings and all credit funds are just on the edge of dried up. There’s nothing left. Zilch. Nada. So yesterday I put everything on ice. Literally.

In Quicken, I deleted information about expiration dates and that 3-digit number on the back (what’s it called? You know what I mean…), because frankly, with online shopping, who needs the actual card? I’ve cut cards up but not informed the company, then still used them because I had all the information at my fingertips. So I deleted that information. Then put all my cards in a zip baggie, in water, in a plastic bowl with a lid (in case the baggie burst), in the freezer.

This morning I took out the bowl to take out the baggie, thinking I wanted the bowl for other uses, but perhaps the baggie did burst, because I can’t get the lid off the bowl. It’s frozen tight. So… it went back in the freezer and I’m happy that it will require even more effort to gain access to those numbers.

I was going to cut the cards up, and officially close at least some of them. I’ve got way too much credit available to me….  Yes, once I had excellent credit. Well, I may do that anyway, down the road. But for the moment, I just wanted them out of my wallet, off the computer, and hard to get to. No impulse buying, no overspending. Now the only things in my wallet are debit cards. Just like cash only safer ~ if they get stolen, I’m not out the money. If cash gets stolen…..

So this is a good step. I was never much of a shopper anyway, but obviously I haven’t been too careful, either, or I wouldn’t be in this mess. Although it wasn’t “shopping” that got me in this mess, it was impulsive decision-making. So I make it up as I go along, but as a friend told me a month or so ago, some things you do have to plan for. This is one of them ~ so I put myself on a spending freeze.

History Repeats, and an Alternative Suggestion

As Wall Street reeled and global markets plunged, President Bush on Monday said the U.S. economy is going to be “just fine” in the long run. (Associated Press article)

Two thoughts immediately spring to this increasingly cynical mind.

1. Yeah, if only we can make until he’s out of office.
2. Of course, because even the very worst of times eventually ease up and things become “just fine” again. If there’s enough time, ultimately things cycle back around. And if we die before that happens, well… then we won’t care about it, either way.

He’s saying nothing to us. His way of trying to calm and assure is lame and ineffectual, and his dire warnings trite. I am not encouraged by the post-$700 billion meltdown (which is worse than the pre-).

Although they (Paulson, Bernanke, etc.) were asked, no one would answer the question of what would happen if that massive bailout didn’t work ~ if today’s activity is any indication, we will just have to live through it to find out.

I’m also shocked by more of today’s news:

Trying to do its part, the Federal Reserve increased a short-term loan program to as much as $900 billion… (Associated Press article).

Where is all this money coming from? For that matter, why not just give it to the people? I read this idea in an email that went around, but it sounds like a good one. You know, give that money to the people who would of course pay taxes on it. But listen: divide $1.6 trillion by, oh, 200 million US adults? Just for ease of math. That would give each person $8 million. For argument’s sake, let’s say there’s an automatic 50% tax slapped on that, before anyone even gets their share. It would still give each person $4 million.

Well, with that kind of windfall, you can be pretty sure most of us average folk would (shock!) pay off our mortgages if we have one (and possibly plop down cash to buy a new house if we don’t), pay our debts, go to university, take trips, buy new cars and TVs and all kinds of consumer goods (and not just canned goods and toilet paper, as was so popular with the measly little $1000 tax rebate we got in the spring), buy Certificates of Deposit, invest in the stock market…. Think of the jobs that would spring up to meet the demand of all that domestic spending and investing! Dividing up that $1.6 trillion among We, The People… boy, that would really stimulate the economy!

And isn’t that what they keep saying they want?

I find myself published

Well, I guess I’ve been published ever since I started writing blogs and articles online. But… a book. Something very special about publishing a book. Now, I feel like a published author!

You can hold it in your hands, feel its weight and heft, turn pages, dog-ear favorite passages, put it on a coffee table, put it in a bookcase, tote it in a backpack, loan it to your friends, hope they remember to give it back. All sorts of things you can do with a book.

And now, I have published a book. My first! My last? I hope not, but this is my first. Fish Tree Tales: Stories from Japan. The publishing house tells me the timeline for it becoming available in physical bookstores is 4-6 weeks ~ assuming they buy it in the first place. You can’t force a bookstore to buy a particular piece of inventory…. But for now, it is available, on sale, from AuthorHouse or at Amazon.com.